Little Kyra’s Birth Story

I am starting off by saying that everyone says baby number two comes sooner than the first one. And in this case it was true, she was born at 38 weeks and 6 days, Micah was 39 weeks and 4 days. But even the whole birthing process was much quicker than I had anticipated. It all began early Wednesday morning, February 24th. We had all eaten Dion's pizza (mind you it did not sit well n our tummy's) and I had been farting all night. Since Micah had fallen to sleep early Josh and I decided to play some Xbox 360 and kill some zombies black ops style.
By the time I was in bed it was 1:30am and I was tired! But my whole abdominal wall began to do a weird vibration thing and the discomfort kept me from sleeping. I thought great, I'm getting close, maybe the next few days I will pop her out. By 3am I was having full-blown contractions and I started to think I should probably double-check the hospital bag and find out how far apart they should be before going in to the hospital. I did not want to have to be sent back like I did with Micah, so I endured them. By 3:30am Micah woke up and wanted me to hold him (lol), I said no mommy is hurting, so I went to wake up Josh. First thing he says "Oh crap seriously... NOW?" Haha I said yes I will probably have to go in soon because contractions were 5 minutes apart (he couldn't believe I didn't wake him sooner). As I packed any last minute items, Josh had to go to the restroom, he said "call your mum and mine". Well I had texted my mum earlier so they were aware, on the drive over he kept asking me how bad contractions seemed, I said they are similar to when we went with Micah. We parked and I had to keep stopping for a minute when a contraction wave would come, I felt quite slow and silly as we packed into the elevator like a crazy family. Luckily no one was there at 5:30am, but signing the papers was ridiculous, plus the front desk attendant was saying we couldn't have Micah there. I was in extreme pain and tried to ask as nicely as I could to just check and see how far I was dilated so we could start calling family for help. When the nurse came in to check she asked my pain level and since I knew it would get far worse I said about a 6. Then she checked me and said she's right there, I squealed, "come again"! Josh looked at me and was all holy crap you're fully dilated! They quickly rolled me into labor and delivery and as they began prepping me, Micah sat on the couch and played Temple Run on my phone (thank goodness).
Now those of you who know me,  know that I have a needle phobia so getting the IV is always hard, aside from contractions, I had to really focus on getting ready to push this baby out, but Josh held my hand and reassured me it was ok. My midwife looked and said oh yeah she is ready, her head is right there. I freaked though because my water was still intact and I had read horror stories that if you had baby too quickly you could rip yourself a new butthole, so I was hesitant about it. But the contractions were so intense I finally gave in and my midwife, Christina Cheney who was AMAZING, popped the sac and boom I was pushing.
By this time, Micah was becoming scared as I was being a little noisy and Josh grabbed him holding Micah in one arm and my leg in the other. I pushed twice and Cheney asked if I wanted to feel her head, I did but freaked out a little because you expect to feel something hard, a skull, but I forgot that babies have soft heads and fontanelles that allow them to fit through our teeny tiny vaginas. By the third push, veins were popping out my forehead, vagina was on fire, and I was sweating a gallon, but she came out and laid right on my chest. It was all so sudden and beautiful, little Kyra was blue but slowly gaining color and Micah was crying to hug me. So Josh leaned down with him and suddenly Micah ripped out my IV! Holy crappola! I screamed, and he became scared again, to which Josh had to step out with him while the nurse put pressure on my wrist. She looked at me saying wow I can't believe you didn't cuss? I just laughed and said for me that pretty much was cussing.
Needless to say, it was a circus birth and I would not have had it any other way. I never had the IV put back in because I was afraid I would faint with all the blood loss. And little Kyra latched on right away and began to nurse... it was amazing and crazy all at once. Our little princess was here to stay 😊

☆ These Little Stars of Mine ☆

New life, new love, and I'm dripping in joy and despair. All at once feelings overwhelm my body, suddenly I'm not who I seem, yet I battle who I once was and now am becoming. A mother with one gave me sense of being, a mother of two, gave me understanding. But three, oh the emotional rollercoaster is never ending. The love comes in waves, as the tide crashes over me--- they remind me of our existence here, making small imprints in my heart and mind. I am who I am through the choices I make and I choose to love you, oh children of mine.

Happy Birthday Emalee Jane, I miss you so!

I remember today as clear as yesterday 23 years ago. Unlike most 7-year old girls my age, instead of going to my first grade Christmas class party, I stayed home to witness one of the most amazing moments in my life. I waited outside my parents’ bedroom nervously as my sister was in the throes of coming into this brand new world. Finally, I heard a baby cry and the door was opened. The room was bright and I saw her as the midwife began to clean her off. Everything seemed so right, the midwife asked if I would like to cut the umbilical cord, and I jumped with joy to have such a cool task. When I finished cutting the cord, the midwife finished cleaning her off and I hopped into the bed beside my mum. As my sister Emalee was brought beside us, my mum said, “Would you like to hold her first?”

That was when it happened, I finally met my youngest sister and even had the opportunity to hold her first. I think that was the moment I knew without a doubt I wanted to be a mother one day. When my other siblings were born I was too young to appreciate the beauty and magic of a little soul coming into the world. Her hair was so soft, a silky dark brown color, with long teeny-tiny fingers. I was in disbelief. She was perfect, she way my sister. I loved her so much, I couldn’t believe how much I loved her and I had just met Emalee Jane. Little did I know the impact she would continue to have in my life and my family’s life.

About ten days later, something suddenly become a little off. Emalee seemed slightly lethargic and though I did not understand it, she was taken to the doctors and soon diagnosed with spinal meningitis. By the time she was life-flighted to the Children’s UNM Hospital, the damage was done. Her brain had sustained severe damage, rendering her from ever walking, talking, or having the development beyond a 3-6 month old baby. The doctors told my parents that she was not going to make it and had maybe 3-4 days left to survive. Mum and dad decided to bring her home to our family so that we could say our good byes as she slipped away. Once home, family and friends were invited to pray over Emalee and bless her. Now I know I tell this story often but it was a miracle. As my father and members of the church were blessing Emmy, I of course opened my eyes curious about the whole scene before. Our house was full of people, everywhere from the dining room and down the stairs. It was crazy to see how many people had come to support our family. And then Emalee opened her eyes (she was limp and lifeless at the time). When the prayer was done, I went to tell my mum who said with a sad voice ”Honey, I think you are seeing things”. But sure enough, Emalee opened her eyes again! By God’s power, and our faith, Emalee was able to defy all odds and survived to greatly influence us all.

Ever since she passed away to meet our Father in Heaven, her birthday has been a reminder of what I had and am able to cherish and remember. She was my little baby, I was so proud of her and even thought the idea of having a little sister stay tiny for a long time was cool too (until we had to start lugging her fat body everywhere, lol, just kidding Emmy, but seriously you made me stronger both literally and metaphorically). I miss her laughter and smiles. I miss singing to her and holding her. But most of all I am happy that she is in Heaven. I wish she could have met my son, or soon to be daughter, yet that was not in the plan. It will be up to me to teach my children about their Aunty Emmy, who was my perfect “twisted sister”. Love you with all my heart.

When Emalee Goes...

I found this poem yesterday when going through old files. It stirred my heart remembering when I wrote it in 2006. I kept having a bad dream about Emalee passing and for some reason this poem helped comfort me back then. I know the Lord is with her now and though I am happy for that, I still miss her presence. She was a huge reason why I wanted to be a mother so badly. Taking care of her was not a chore, it was enlightening. I found it fun and interesting. I'll never forget my most memorable moments with her. I was the first to hold her, I even had the opportunity to cut her umbilical cord (she was an at-home birth). In 4th grade when we had show-and-tell, instead of bringing a cool new toy or pet, I brought my sister Emalee. I thought she was so precious and special because she still looked like a baby and we had to care for her as if she was one too.

[My dad dancing with Emalee at my wedding]

When she and I shared a room sometimes I would sneak into her crib at night and sing to her, or just snuggle. It's not like she could fight me on it. I would talk to her, like everyone did, knowing that my secrets were safe with her. But going off to college was difficult for me, I missed her and my siblings terribly. Some siblings fight and hate each other, well we sure fought, but I did not hate my siblings. I loved them. They were my best friends, my confidants, the people I would go to when I felt there was no one else (aside from Josh my hubby and Tracy). My heart was saddened on her passing, because I was not there to give my little sister one last kiss, one last hug, one last holding, one last song to sing her to sleep. And though you try to not let it get to you, those feelings of regret creep in at times. As I am sure many people feel when someone passes so suddenly. Those are the times when the Lord comforts me, I'll hear a song on the radio or laugh at something we once shared. My sister may have left, but what she left behind was a promise, to see her again. With grace and love, our family was blessed to have an incredible spirit like Emalee in our lives.

[My mom holding Emalee at my wedding]

When Emalee Goes      by Laura Van Buskirk

I’m going on a trip dear Mom to see the Lord my friend

He says I’ll be able to walk again, that there will be no end

I’m going for a little while to give someone special a hand

He says I’ll be able to sing again, maybe I’ll be in his band

I’m going brother and sister, I promise I don’t hurt because He’s here

He says I’ll be able to see again, I’ll go swimming with no fear!

I'll be able to come and watch over you all from where I'll be

Sight and sound, all things new, in beauty and light I will see

I’m going somewhere new dear friends, don’t be sad for me up there

He says I will dance and play, I will frolic around without a care

When you come I will perform a show for you all and you will know

I always loved you without saying a word, even though I had to go

I’m going to some place called Heaven, dear Dad that is very far away

He says I’ll be able to feel your love, no matter the distance or time of day

God said love is all around and it is what made me perfect to be with Him,

But only through Jesus Christ could this be done; Open your heart, please let Him in.

First baby, new life

Dear people who read this :-) I thought, I love to write but I often forget to use my journal. Then I realized I should utilize my blog more, that way others can share this joy, my life, with me. As many of you know, I had a little baby boy about 5 months ago. He was born May 5th, at 8:32 p.m. with a full head of hair! He was only 4 days away from his due date. I first found out I was pregnant in August and made it official the first week of September at the doctors. Some people suggested to me to talk about my experience so here it goes.

I had an ALL-NATURAL childbirth at UCLA Santa Monica Hospital. I did not choose to do it naturally for noble causes at first, my fear is of needles and the idea of the huge epidural needle being plunged into my spine just didn't sit well with me. My husband Josh laughed when we found out I was pregnant and said "now you're going to have to deal with your needle phobia". Boy was he right! My pregnancy was actually not all that bad... I did have morning sickness for the first 4 months, but I found out that fruit was the instigator and once I cut it out, than it was less often. It's funny, when I found out I was pregnant, I was worried about what I could do physically. I'm a long distance runner and since we had just moved to LA (we only lived there for a year), my favorite run was along the beach, from Santa Monica Pier to Venice Beach. Luckily my doctor said running would be fine, as long as I listened to my body and continued to take vitamins and eat.

I ran until I was about 6 months and then it was slow jogging, or slogging, walking, and the occasional elliptical workout. We had a bit of a scare during Micah's 24 week ultrasound (US). It was the structural US where they measure organs and see where you child pars with other babies. While filling out my info in the waiting room, the history sheet asked when my last period was, and I was thinking, heck if I know, I'm just glad it's been gone! Well I entered a guesstimated date and because of that, our perinatal doctor measured, then wouldn't talk and then asked "Has he been kicking, do you feel movement?" Right away I knew something was wrong, "Yes he kicks a ton!". Anyone who felt him while in my belly knows. And the nurse gave me a sad look like "oh she's in denial". The nurse then gave me a fetal movement log sheet and at that point my wonderful amazing husband (being the medical student that he is and was currently doing a Post-Sophomore Pathology Fellowship at UCLA) said "Excuse me but what date did you enter for her Last menstruall period? Because you should probably go off of what her OB has." Sure enough he had put in the wrong date and we endured the first pang of parenthood pain and fear of not being able to do anything. After measuring again, our little guy was still in the 20th percentile for his abdomen size and told me to lessen my exercise and eat more. I did just that which was why I stopped running much.

But all throughout my whole pregnancy I worked as a teacher assistant from 8am-1pm and then I coached cross country in the fall and track/field in the spring 3 days out of the week usually from 3-4:45pm. Then I had race days on a Tuesday usually, which meant I didn't get home until 6:30pm. Whew, those were tough days and mind you all this driving is in LA traffic. I'm glad I stayed on my toes though, I feel it made my experience that much better. Anyone who says they can't do much during their pregnancy (with the exception of those who have severe morning sickness/health issues) needs to buck up. If you get lazy you won't feel good. Get out, move around and give your baby fresh air! Trust me, even when you are puking, it helps to get out. You only get pregnant for 9 months so help you feel the best during this time of stretching :-).

I put pics up of me prego's but the one to the right is one of those days I decided to dress up and feel good,,, I had hit 8 and a half months in both. And I guess technically you do glow sometimes haha. I remember I received that compliment the day I wore that dress. It is a Liz Lang Maternity dress, I love Target, they always have great deals for maternity clothes and the BEST maternity tank tops. So remember you can still feel pretty while looking like a hippo!

Now that I have ranted on about my pregnancy, I will talk about my labor. Just so you know, do not look up stories on google, because they can be horrific and give you anxiety. I did just that and after reading about a woman who blew herself a new butthole, I figured I was done with that. I seriously couldn't sleep that night too, I kept dreaming of terrifying scenarios. As luck would have it, the Lord was gracious and I was only in "real" labor for a few hours. I began feeling contractions Sunday  early morning (they were minimal but kept me up) and by the evening I thought crap I better go to the hospital. And sure enough, we were the kind of couple that freaked out too early and when they checked to see how far dilated I was, I was only at 1cm and I was sent home. For those of you who don't know what a contraction is like, it feels like really bad menstrual cramps... at first. Then, the the waves of pain continue to get uglier until you can't believe that the child is still inside of you and that you still have work to do.

The following Monday, I went about my day with Josh, I even had some frozen yogurt (pretty sure it helped), and my doctor said to wait until I couldn't carry on a conversation because my contractions were so off I couldn't gauge a time-frame. Aside from the yogurt though, I didn't eat much for fear of pooping during the delivery (and no I didn't poop on lil Micah). Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and had to be on my knees bent over the bed before saying "Let's go...now". Thankfully I had packed a labor bag 2 months before so we grabbed what we needed and headed out to the hospital again.

When the nurse checked me around 4:30pm she said I was at 3 cm and that if I wanted to go home I could, but I said no. I had a feeling this was the time for Micah and sure enough when the nurse came back in an hour and a half later, I was at 8cm. Josh was amazing during the whole thing. He held my hand, reminded me to breathe, and would tell me when a contraction was coming by watching the monitor. We prayed like never before and connected on a level of love that cannot be understood unless experienced. And this is why I am glad I had a natural birth, because my husband and I had to depend on each other in a different light, something that pushed us to new limits and new perspectives. God does things for a reason and I feel that childbirth is one way he brings us closer together. Now I did not call the earlier contractions real labor pains because once I felt the labor contractions it was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. The pain pulls and stretches your uterus and you feel as though you just might die and then it climaxes, and you breath and brace yourself for the next wave. I began pushing contractions around 7:00pm and I swear I have never been so sweaty and tired as I was then. I was sweating everywhere and they said I was becoming dehydrated and the nurse had to stick an IV in. Let me tell you, that was not an easy task for me, but I did NOT faint, though I became slightly dizzy. I was definitely proud of myself overcoming that fear and knowing that you can make changes, given the right circumstances to push you.

My water never broke like in the movies, instead they had to use a crochet hook and pop me. Oh my gosh it was so weird, not painful but just weird. My OB grabbed the hook and inserted it and I literally heard a small popping noise and felt like I had jacuzzi water gushing out of me, it was so warm and nice a midst the sweating painful contractions. Then my OB said now you are going to have to get ready to push. When she broke my water, it got real... real fast. By then my modesty shyness had flown out the door and they had me push while on the stirrups. Josh held my hand reminding me to breath and when she said push, I swear someone had grabbed hot coals and lit my vagina on fire. I said in a confused tone "ouch it burns!"... the nurse beside me laughed and said it was the ring of fire. Now I have a new appreciation for that phrase now. Anyways I thought I would give two good pushes but on the second push the nurse suddenly grabbed my leg and motioned for Josh to do the same with the other leg, and pushed them up to my chest and it threw me out of focus and so I had to collect my wits and boom... on the third push I felt excruciating pain for a moment and then he was out and on top of my stomach, A beautiful creation, a child of God, precious, pure, and amazing. He let out a little cry and then the nurse asked if it was ok that they cleaned him up and I said yes. As he was cleaned up, I was being sewn up. And this is the funny part, I assumed the painful part was over until I was being sewn up down there and I screamed "Shicaca"! Josh found it hilarious. Afterwards I was given my son. We named him Micah Joshua, which stands for "Who is God?" and "God is Salvation". The funny part is that we didn't even know that until later and found it quite fitting.

When women say childbirth is the most painful thing ever, they mean it. But the beauty of the matter is that from the pain comes the most heavenly gift you will ever work for. And you can say, this is what I went through for you, I loved you so much that I had you and endured the pain. Oh my gosh and let me tell you, some people are blessed with breastfeeding boobs that flow like crazy, but that was not me. Breastfeeding is really hard, but it is very rewarding and if you stick to it, you will truly be blessed and cherish the quiet moments with your little one and bond together. A bottle just does not have the same effect. But sometimes you can't and I'm not harping on you if you cannot... I only suggest you try hard. So that's my "Having a baby" story. I hope you enjoyed it, because I sure did and now I look at Micah all the time and am baffled that he was in me 5 months ago and I popped him out. Wow.

Dueteronomy 6:5-7 NKJV
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

{ The Light of Emalee, the Love of Christ }

{ The Light of Emalee, the Love of Christ }

By Laura Mae Sifuentes

In moments of sweet solitude, I recall our memories shared. Times when going back to them, you are truly there, sensing every detail. Making you smile for the first time with our hands over your eyes, our faces would light up and giggle at the simplicity and fun of it. But best of all was when you would laugh, a loud inhale and squeal that brought the whole house down laughing in unison. You were our baby sister, our little angel, and our family miracle. It was perfect, those moments of love and joy.

Most of all I will never forget your purpose in our lives. We often hear about love from the time we are born, but understanding love, pure and selfless in its most truthful form, is what Christ lived and taught. Emalee did just that. In order to love her, you had to practice selfless love. She was limited in all that she had, a body that could not move by her own will and a voice that could not speak. She never ran into my room to give me a hug and a kiss. She never called to say I miss and love you. She never went on a run with me. She never sang a song with me. Instead, we had to go to her and find her, search for her, and love her all on our own will. If we wanted to watch something downstairs we had to pick her up and bring her down. If we wanted to go out with friends, but couldn’t bring her, than we would have to stay home.

Emalee gave us the greatest gift of all, to love one another without judgment or selfishness. She was what Jesus embodied, she wanted to love us, but we had to come to her first. And though these times are sorrowful, the promise God gives us that we may one day see her beautiful smiling face, in all her perfection, is more comforting than the loss of her body here on earth. His grace is sufficient, and her purpose was to show us the way, the truth, and the life so that one day we may have an opportunity to choose to meet her in heaven.

"A Home Made of Glass" by laura sifuentes

She walks through halls made of glass, every step taken leads to a new scratch
Words vibrate beyond the walls so thin and follow her home
Blindly misinterpreting phrases as she is left completely alone
Afraid to ask for help, slowly sinking, thinking of an escape...
Body crumbles and shrinks away from an invisible hand
That can promise freedom from the gossip, the quicksand
To a love from above that is freely offered.
But how could He love a girl so far gone?
Lost beyond the pain of a sinful touch that was supposed to be given in love,
at a different time, a different place, a different age.
Instead she's caught up in a world trying desperately to grow up,
Fallen and lost in a maze of self worth and deceit... 
Who will come save her now?
Oh Lord if only she knew how 
your love buries the deepest darkest sins 
that we lock away hidden in our minds, to never be heard of or seen.
She's breaking down letting Satan's wicked words laced with destruction and death,
turn from a Lord whose arms are open wide...
waiting...
waiting...